


in the thin gray light of the rising sun

by sagemb



Category: Vampire Academy & Related Fandoms
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexual!Eddie Castile, Character Study, F/M, Grief/Mourning, In which Eddie goes through a lot of shit, Insomnia, dude it's not your fault, lots of self-imposed guilt on eddie's part???, pregnant!jill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-09 00:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7778965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagemb/pseuds/sagemb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night, Eddie Castile can't fall asleep. Which isn't something that's uncommon. And he can't stop thinking about his dead best friend or his fiancée (who might just be too good for him). Which also isn't something that's uncommon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in the thin gray light of the rising sun

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of emotions about bisexual!Eddie Castile and hope to pass this on to others. He's just someone who had so much unexplored character potential, you feel?

It’s not uncommon for guardians to have insomnia, but twenty-one’s generally a bit early for it. Then again, seventeen’s generally a bit early to see your best friend die in combat, too.

On nights like these, when his thoughts spiral so quickly that he can’t keep up with them, Eddie needs an escape, and yet he can’t seem to move.

 _Does it matter, Eddie? Does it matter that you’ve fucked a half-dozen guys who had the same flaming curls as your childhood best friend? Does it matter that in every single one of those encounters, you were too shitfaced to even care that you moaned_ his _name by accident?_

 _Was it even real. Was it even goddamn real. Hell, was_ he _even real?_

_Or does it matter that the only long-term relationship of your adult life, the only long-term relationship you’ve ever had, period, is with a woman? And that this woman is whom you’re currently lying next to in bed, who’s currently fast asleep, is wearing your (shitty, small)_

_\--remember how disappointed Lissa looked when Jill showed her the--_

_engagement ring and bearing your child? Does it matter that she’s willing to weather the scornful remarks and outraged insults from those who are rightfully concerned that the Dragomir princess will never bear a legitimate heir_  
_of_  
_the_  
_right_  
_goddamn_  
_species_  
_?_

_Does it matter that she’s too young and radiant and selfless for you? You’re so tired. You’re so tired, but you still can’t sleep._

_You’ve got no right to complain, not when Dimitri Belikov-- not when Dimitri-- Dimitri-- think of what he’s-- you haven’t done anything compared to-- you haven’t been through--_

_Does it matter that on the nights you cursed yourself for not being able to stop thinking about her, you let your hand creep slowly into your pants, praying that your roommate, sleeping six feet away in the hot dry dorm, wouldn’t notice? And then you washed your hands and took some melatonin like the guilt would wash down with it all._

_Does it matter, Eddie Castile, that your love for Mason Ashford felt like it would rip the threadbare walls of your being to shreds, and your love for Jillian Mastrano feels like she’s stitching you back up with that sewing kit of hers? Does it matter that you were so fucking terrified that Mason would turn his back on you if you told him exactly whom you were capable of loving, and that you think that Jill would love you just the same if you told her?_

_If you told her-- told-- tell-- tell her--_

_Does it matter that you’d still go back for him in a heartbeat?_

_Of course it matters. but this is where you are, Eddie, and let’s stay here, because you’ve still got a long ways to go, and you’ll always be carrying him on your back and she’ll always be leading you ahead, tugging at your hand with her light fingers._

In the thin gray light of the rising sun, he traces his fingers across the soft-growing bump on Jill’s lower abdomen. He’s got a feeling that Rose expects them to name the baby Mason, or Maizie-- 

No, he decides. He once would have, but his therapist’s got this Lao Tzu quote hanging on the wall of her office, and he always thinks it’s really stupid-- something about being at peace in the present. 

He thinks he’ll let Jill have first pick.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Don't forget to leave a comment telling me what you think!


End file.
